Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
