wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Randomize
