Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
