Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
