Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Randomize
