I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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