i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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