ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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