A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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