just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
