I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
