____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
