I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
