just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
