my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
