The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
