I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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