I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
