I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
