I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
