i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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