DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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