I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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