Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
