I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
