I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
