I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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