He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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