2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
it glows. i had to have it.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Of course I have a pirate flag
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
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