Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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