If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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