You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
