I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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