I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
