Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
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