in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
