you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
