I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
