i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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