um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
