i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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