he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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