At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
