My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
