I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
