guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
