In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
