I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Randomize
