if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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