Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
