so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
